It's a bit like getting pregnant. This tiny little seed and egg meet and all of a sudden there is an explosion of processes lighting up. Cells are being built, hormones are rushing and blood is taking different routes. Heart, brain and livers are being created. All is growing and the expectations are high. You envision a whole new life, a whole new roadmap. Your job is affected, your body is affected, your emotions are affected. You dream about a future with this little new person who a minute ago did not even exist. At least not in you.
You start dreaming about prams, kindergartens and what books you are going to read to this little person. You see pregnant bellies all around and you fantasize of what holidays you will take, what he or she will look like. What interests the baby will have and what his first words will be. Your whole perspective changes. it is fulfilling, glorious and so dreamy. You are like that power plant, buzzing and cooking and you are high on endorphins. You can solve any problem and you are vibrant. Your life is new. Your future is new.
In this two scenarios you are so full of energy and it is such a magical place to be in. At the same time it is so draining. Your whole world has changed and you find yourself painting a completely new picture, you are being more creative than ever before - and scared shitless at the same time. It is giving you energy but at the same time you are losing energy. It is rewarding and oh so scary at the same time. Antipole. It's giving you so much energy but at the same time it is taking a lot.
Some nights you can't sleep because you are so buzzing and electric from carrying all this energy. In the pregnant state even your body is getting heavy. In the in-love-state your power plant is so fulfilling but at the same time oh-so draining. It is some seriously heavy shit to carry. So many dreams, hopes, visions in one bag. You carry them all. You hold all that buzzing energy and it is a blessing and a curse. And at times you are wondering if you are losing your mind.
Then one day. The power plant is shut down. All of the power is gone, the dreams, the hopes, the ideas. The future of romantic visions and travels are gone. The baby decided to leave. You have a miscarriage. It is only a lump of flesh that leaves your body - but in reality it is so much more. It is a whole envisioned future. A life. A life where all the bits in it are shut down. Forever.
So you stand there with an empty bag and wonder. What now?
You stand in front of a canvas that was so full of vibrant colors which now is plain white. Your pallet lies on the floor. The brushes next to it, but you have energy no more. You are completely drained.
Yes you have the possibility to paint a different picture, but where do you start? What color, what shape, what type of canvas. a big one, small one, round one. All is void.
Recognize the scenario? Yes we've all been there.
I love being in love. It is en exhilarating feeling and experience. But I often wonder about the human obsession with it. How often we talk about it, dream about love and search for love. Most of our awaken time is spent on defining, creating, wondering, crying, laughing and dissecting the facetts of love. We put so much energy into it.
Of course there is a need for a relationship to move from in-love to love. To stabilize, to grow and deepen. But still...
I look around me and most people, as far as I can see, seem discontent in their current relationships, sadly. Even more so with the previous one. So why do we put so much energy into it? Yes we are all human beings with a need for closeness, affection and a purpose. We need context, to belong. But why is it so hard to make love work in our favour? I know I still haven't figured it out.
Is it the search, the wonder and the longing that is the whole point?
Currently I am not pregnant or live in a power plant. Instead i have what I consider an oil lamp. it is beautiful, it is alone and it is powerful. Its flame is powerful, sharp and consistent. It is not buzzing with energy, though at times it is, but not like a power plant. Instead it is poignant and dignified. It is secretly trenchant and forceful. But it does burn steady. As long as I keep refilling the oil. I can turn it up or down according to my own rhythm. And it is easy to carry. it is light and powerful at the same time. Sharp. Tranquil. Happy.
I like my oil lamp. It gives me so much energy and focus to build up my dream life. It supports me in the way I wish to live right now. But I can't help but wonder, is there more? Something other than a power plant or an oil lamp? I thought perhaps I would've figured it out by now. But I guess that is the whole point.
Perhaps it's like the cliché: it is not a goal it's a journey.
What are your thoughts on love?